There are a lot of things that come with losing your virginity. If you’re thinking about it, if there are people around you losing theirs, if any idea of sex has crossed your mind, there’s a lot to think about first.

While growing up, I was only ever really taught about sex physically. Penis into vagina, if the sperm fertilises the egg, then you get a baby blah blah blah. I was never spoken to about the emotional repercussions sex can have.

The best way I can think to write about this is to break it down into three parts: anticipation, aftermath and reflection.

• Anticipation

Many thoughts can float around your head, whether it’s in the moment or when you’re planning ahead. What does it feel like? Will it hurt? Am I ready? What does it mean? No one can really answer these for you. It might hurt, it might not. It can mean something different to you and to the other person. Sometimes you can feel pressured by friends, a partner, or society. You may feel a desire for love and think this is the only way to get it. There’s a lot. And no one can tell you the right way to go about it, I can just say to think about it and think about it wholly.

• Aftermath

This could go either way, positively or negatively. Obviously, if it goes positively, then great. You could feel affection, maybe relief, or confidence. Whether you have sex as another level of intimacy with a significant other, or you’re just having fun (but being safe), both of these options are okay. There’s then the unfortunate option of a negative aftermath. You could feel guilt, sadness or regret. My best advice would be to deduce what is making the experience feel negative and change that next time. But believe me, everyone has had a bad sex experience. They’re not all perfect. Try not to dwell on this negative feeling.

• Reflection

What did it mean? Would I make the same decisions? What do I want from my next intimate interaction? As I mentioned before, sex can mean different things to different people. You have to decide what it means for you. You also have to be wary that people will sometimes tell you what you want to hear to have sex with you. From any sexual encounter, you can learn what you want in the future, what you like and don’t like. This is important. Essentially, you can take away whatever you want from any encounter. Everything is a lesson.

Another thing I wanted to mention is being emotionally ready to lose your virginity. This is something only you can decide for yourself.

1. Do you feel safe and respected? If you’re going to have sex with someone, it needs to be consensual, and you need to be comfortable knowing that this person would stop if you wanted them to. You should feel safe enough to talk about your boundaries, protection, contraception, and feelings regarding the situation.
   • You can get advice on consent here.
2. Are you doing it for yourself? You should only ever have sex for yourself. Not to please someone else, not to fit in, and not to keep a relationship. This is your body, not a tool or toy for someone else.
3. Do you understand the impact? You have to decide what sex means for you. If it creates feelings of closeness and intimacy, or creates whatever you want. As long as it’s clear in your mind, it doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t feel confused or overwhelmed.
4. Are you ready for possible outcomes? Do you know your options? Practice safe sex, be safe against pregnancy and STIs. Consider how you’ll feel afterwards. Be wary of keeping yourself safe.
5. Do you know it’s okay to wait? No one can force you into anything. There’s absolutely no rush, there’s no time limit, and no one decides when you’re ready. Waiting until you feel ready can often heighten the experience.

Ladies, you will make a mistake. You will have an awkward experience. Your first time is never how you expect; sex doesn’t look like it does in movies.

The most important thing is safety.

If you need to talk about anything, there’s help here: Talk to Professionals

You’re allowed to change your mind, take your time, and put yourself first – always.